In my time working in the eating disorder prevention sector and also in the treatment world, I've worked with a lot of children and adolescents who struggle with eating disorders. And of course when I work with a child or adolescent, I also work with the family, especially parents. Parents often play all sorts of supportive roles throughout a child's recovery, but they also bring to the table their own histories (and sometimes issues) with food and their bodies that become part of the clinical picture and therefore part of the child's treatment process.
My clients often come in complaining about ways their parents' (usually well-intentioned) comments or behaviors are perpetuating their own disordered thoughts and behaviors and with a long list of things they wish their parents would stop doing and saying. What I tell my clients is that we don't want to merely guide their parents in what NOT to do or say. This leaves parents lost and not knowing what to do or say, which always leads them back to what they know, the comments and behaviors that are triggering or unhelpful. I tell my clients that it's also really beneficial to arm parents with tools, language, and guidance around what TO do and say.
I love actively involving my clients in developing this list of tips for their parents, but below are a coupe of my go-to nuggets of advice for parents of a child or adolescent with an eating disorder to help guide them in what to and not to say and do. Even if your child doesn't have an eating disorder, I urge you to read on! As parents, we cannot control everything our children are exposed to, but I firmly believe that from a young age we can help to construct their shields to try to protect them from the harmful messages that swirl around them. This starts at home, and this largely starts with how we talk about bodies and food.
Don't
Talk about body size, shape, or weight. Not your own, not your spouse's, not your friend's, not your sister's, not your neighbor's, not the person you noticed at the grocery store, and especially not your child's. You'll want to because this is so commonplace in our culture, but I urge you to avoid commenting. For most who experience eating disorders, any commentary (positive or negative) sends them spiraling. A common sentiment among my clients when speaking about a parent who has made a comment about their own or another's body is this, "If she thinks she's fat, then I must be fat too." You can imagine the domino effect of that core belief, especially in our fat-phobic, thin-obsessed culture and when this is an ingredient in the development of a child's self-concept. Just by commenting on our own and others' bodies, we communicate and reinforce not only the unrealistic standards for bodies (and for health) that exist in our culture but also that appearance, size, and weight are things our children should be worried about.
Do
Comment on and compliment others based on non-appearance-related attributes and efforts. Examples might be:
"I'm really proud of you for how you handled that."
"That lady was so nice."
"Wow, Simone Biles is so strong and confident. She's so cool."
"I noticed you worked really hard on that project."
Celebrate all the amazing things our bodies do. Our bodies are vessels that carry us through our lives. Even if we don't love the way we look, we can try to appreciate that our bodies are designed to keep us alive, and they work hard day in and day out to do so. Body neutrality and gratitude can be powerful tools in reshaping how we view our bodies.
Practice caring for your body no matter your size or shape or how you feel about your body, whether that's applying lotion after a shower, prioritizing regular movement that is supportive of your physical and mental wellbeing, resting when you're tired rather than caffeinating, or getting regular check-ups.
Engage your children in conversations about what they notice around them in terms of appearance and beauty standards in our culture or comments they hear from teachers, coaches, and peers. Building our children's critical thinking skills is vital to their resilience, especially when it comes to our culture's harmful narratives around bodies and health.
Don't
Talk about food in terms of good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, clean or whatever dichotomous, arbitrary, label you use to describe food. All of these labels communicate to an already very black-and-white thinker with an eating disorder that thrives on rules that there's a right and a wrong way to eat, which gives way to a whole lot of feelings based on the choices they make. Food is not black-and-white. Nutrition science is not black-and-white. What's "healthy" for us is not black-and-white. This sort of thinking breeds rules, rigidity, and guilt and ultimately pulls a person deeper into the abyss of disorder. Though throwing out the rule book and reconnecting with and learning to re-trust our bodies is a challenge after years of dieting and amidst all of the misinformation and fear-mongering out there on the Internet, on social media, and in conversations all around us, nourishing our bodies adequately is actually far simpler than we've been led to believe. We were all born with the ability self-regulate. Most of us end up getting lost in a maze of rules and fear and lose our connection with our bodies. I cannot understate the importance of adjusting the language around trusting our bodies and food in your home.
Do
Follow Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility (link below). It's appropriate to create structure around meals and snacks and to provide children with balance and variety when it comes to what is served. But beyond this, let your children decide whether, what, and how much they eat.
Teach children how to partner with rather than to work against their bodies. The best ways to do this are to let them self-regulate and to modeling how you listen to your body's signals. Are you hungry, tired, or in pain? Teach your child that our bodies are smart. They communicate with us, and they give us clues about what they need. It's our job to listen and decode those signals. Providing this framework will help your child self-regulate without over-functioning and over-thinking what and how much they're eating. Get seconds because your body tells you it's hungry for more or leave food on your plate because your body tells you it's had enough. Join your children in having ice cream on a random Tuesday afternoon in the summer just because it sounds good.
Use language about food that communicates that all food, yes all food, can be supportive. This gentle, gray-area language really is important.
Carve out time for family dinners as often as possible. Avoid spending your time not talking about the perceived health value of the food on the table or your latest diet. Rather use this as an opportunity to slow down, to hear about your children's day and about their struggles and triumphs, to talk about your work day and how you navigated challenges, to recall memories you've created as a family, and to look toward events that lie ahead. This is powerful time to bond and maintain an open line of communication, especially with teens.
If after reading this, you're feeling like making these shifts seems really difficult, you're not alone. Re-writing internal scripts and adjusting how we parent and communicate about and food and bodies is hard work. Below are some resources parents have found helpful to arm them with more knowledge and tools.
Resources
Raising Body Positive Teens: A Parents Guide to Diet-Free Living, Exercise, and Body Image by Signe Darpinian, Wendy Sterling, and Shelly Aggarwal
How to Raise an Intuitive Eater: Raising the Next Generation with Food and Body Confidence by Sumner Brooks and Amee Severson
Written by:
Jessica Thompson, MS, RD, LD, CEDS
Registered Dietitian
Certified Eating disorders Specialist
Our clinicians at BeyondWellKC are experienced in working with adolescents with eating disorders and helping their families navigate the treatment process. Contact us today for a free discovery call.
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